220Triathlon Edição 334

130 / 132

130 I I FEBRUARY 2017
THEWEEKENDWARRIOR
S ome years ago I was away with work,
and spent the evening in a hotel that was
a good deal posher than I was used to.
Seizing on all the opportunities this presented,
I scooped up all the bathroom freebies I could
stuff into my bag, and emptied the contents of
the free minibar down my neck. The consequence
was that I got roaring drunk on several half-
bottles of vin extremely ordinaire and crashed
out half-dressed on top of my king-size bed.
When I was woken the next morning by the
genie of the telephone, my stomach was rumbling
like a distant volcano, and it was with some
horror I noticed that the once Persil-white duvet
cover was covered in a mass of brown stains. As
the powers of reason slowly returned to my brain
I realised what had happened: I’d fallen asleep
on the complimentary chocolate the posh hotel
had left on my pillow, which had melted and been
smeared over the bed by my drunken thrashings.
As I was checking out that morning I felt I had to
leave a shakily-written note on the bed for the
maid, saying simply: “It’s not as bad as it looks.”
The reason I tell you this tale is not to warn
you of the dangers of drinking inferior wine, but
to underline an important point: not everything
is what it seems. This is particularly true in
triathlon, where results – and even medals – may
not be quite as impressive as they first appear.
As evidence I offer you the news that, after my
recent appearance in the British Masters
swimming finals, I am now in the top 10 Masters
1,500m swimmers in the UK. The fact that there
were only nine people in my age group needn’t
trouble us unduly…
As triathlon’s foremost lean, mean trundling
machine, this isn’t the first time I’ve exaggerated
my achievements, though up till nowmy efforts
to convince people of my athletic prowess have
lasted about as long as a cage fight between
Conor McGregor and Craig Revel Horwood. What
we triathletes can never exaggerate, though, are
our finishing times – PBs don’t lie. The trouble is
that telling other people about your PBs makes
you sound like a bit of a knob – and, worse still, it
opens you up to being told by someone else
about theirPBs.
When it comes to PBs, triathletes possess the
art of saying the same thing in a number of
different ways to a degree that is usually found
only in politicians. I was pondering this recently
while watching my friend Anthony being
cornered in a changing room by someone talking
at length about his various race times. Anthony
made the fatal mistake of giving non-committal
responses such as ‘That’s interesting,’ which of
course really means ‘I’m not listening.’ Being his
mate, of course I made no effort to help Anthony
out. Instead I positioned myself in his eyeline but
behind his tormentor’s back, and started
laughing and making certain hand gestures.
Having been in Anthony’s position on several
occasions, I’ve learned that there are a number
of things he could have done to stem the tide of
useless information:
Q Yawn expansively and then say: ‘Sorry – what
were you saying?’ before yawning again.
Q Crush the PB bore’s ego by feigning
momentary surprise and saying: ‘I thought you
were quicker than that!’
Q Crush their ego (part two) by grinning hugely
upon hearing their best time, then saying
something along the lines of: ‘Oooooh, just
slower than me!’
Q Crush their ego (part three) by saying: ‘Is that
any good?’ (My wife is especially adept at this
whenever I share my latest ‘triumph’, leaving
me more deflated than the last balloon at
a children’s party.)
Q Start theatrically clutching at your throat and
gasping, saying: ‘Help! I can’t breathe – you’re
sucking all the oxygen out of the room!’
Q If you’re in a changing room, take off all your
clothes, and move closer and closer to the
person doing the talking. Plaster a big smile
on your face, perhaps putting one foot up on
a bench right next to them. I guarantee this
will make them lose their flow.
Q After they’ve finished, and are duty bound to
ask about your times, decline to do so, saying:
‘I always think that telling people about my
PBs is vulgar.’
Some of these strategies depend on a high
degree of confidence, which is fine for someone
of my overall gitness, who would think nothing of
wrestling the crayons from the fingers of tiny
children in order to record my latest time. But if
you’re of a shyer disposition you run the risk of
being condemned to stand there listening for
hours, while suffering that same sinking feeling
you get when you’re in a running race and you
spot a mile marker up ahead... only to discover
that it’s a ‘Caution: Runners’ sign. So summon up
some nerve, take a deep breath and get yawning.
Oh, and I did the 1,500m in 21 minutes and
3 seconds, by the way – which was a PB. Q 220
“When it comes to PBs, triathletes possess the art of
saying the same thing in a number of different ways”
MARTYNBRUNT
Martyn analyses the fine art of discussing one’sPB…
ILLUSTRATION
DANIEL SEEX